I’m Just Getting Started

I’m on a quest to let you know how God protects us, even from ourselves. How he never leaves our side. How he loves us no matter what. I have been learning and back sliding all of my life. I think now is the time God wants me full time. He knows me so well and knows how easy it is for me to become overwhelmed. He is presenting everything to me that I enter into this blog one baby step at a time. I thank him for that. I am learning his word and I am more aware of his presence in my life right now than I have been in some time. Bare with me while I try to share and point out ways and reasons God has moved in my life.

I accepted Christ as my Savior at the age of fourteen. I am now sixty-four. Oh wow, I almost wish I had not revealed that. Fifty years have past since I decided my heart wanted God to be my life time leader, protector and friend. I was so in love.

As a new Christian I remember the exuberance of it all. God loved me and my life was going to be awesome because God would never fail me. I loved him so much!!

Then after high school I married an abusive man. It was a horrible experience. A life I was not at all familiar with. I could not understand how someone that loved me enough to marry me could also be so violent. God gave me the willpower to leave that life, but so much emotional scarring had already left marks that would be with me, in some respects, forever. The beatings hurt physically, but with them came the emotional devastation. My married life was short, but oh how I still remember the words said to me. I was fat. I heard that almost daily. (I weighed about 125 pounds.) No one would ever want me. He was the only one stupid enough to have married me. I was stupid. He was embarrassed by my looks and actions. There were many more words filled with anguish and disrespect.

There were nights that he would sneak outside and scare me through the windows. On Saturdays I would get up and strip the sheets off the bed and put them in to wash, sprinkle Comet in the bathtub and bathroom sink. Fill the kitchen sink with any dishes that needed to be washed, put the vacuum cleaner in the living room. I tried to cover all bases because I knew I would not be cleaning the room he wanted me to be cleaning when he arrived home. Inevitably, I was right almost every Saturday. He would come in the front door, walk through the house yelling and cussing and then… the beatings. He would chase me around the house with a butcher knife, laughing and oh how he enjoyed every second of seeing me crying, begging him to stop. Strangest thing was, I still loved him. I just knew I could do something to turn him back into the man I loved.

Only God could change a man like that. God granted me the willpower to get up and walk out. Oh, I don’t take credit for that alone. I called home for help. We were living in Mobile, AL and my family was in Atlanta, GA. My brother-in-law and my brother came to get me. It was a good combination. My brother-in-law was my comfort. He said, he would bring me back if I wanted to come, but I needed to get away from him so I could think clearly and make the right decision. My brother on the other hand, then an Atlanta police, found him at work, gave him the talking to of his life time and told me I was leaving, just plain leaving. Obviously, they were both there for me. They wanted me to be in safe hands and they provided them for me. I did go home and stayed with my parents and after a few months I began divorce proceedings.

For the next few years, I went through something called the Abused Wife Syndrome. I had no idea that was what I was doing. I just thought I was the person my ex had convinced me to be. I didn’t keep my promises, I lied a lot, I disrespected my parents and siblings. I wrote bad checks, I drank way too much and I had unmeaningful relationships. I was a mess and didn’t care. I was absolutely convinced that I did not deserve anything, I would never be worth anything and that no one would ever want me. Quite frankly, it is a wonder I didn’t end up dead. I remember wishing I was dead. I remember the two nights that I called the suicide line. The people on the other end were very concerned, but they didn’t know me. They couldn’t possibly understand what I was going through. The second call I made though must of had some impact on me. I remember hanging up the phone and all of a sudden the scripture Psalms 23 became so clear in my mind. 1The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. 2He maketh me to lie down in green pastures; he leadeth me beside still waters. 3He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. 4Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. 5Thou prepares a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. 6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever. That was what I needed. No, I did not change in an instant, but I did have the Lord back in my heart and I did know that he was the my hope.

Then one day, I met a man that was thirty-nine years old. I was a young twenty-four. Yes, fourteen and a half years my senior. I told him about my past and he hated it for me, but it didn’t stop him from loving me. I signed up to volunteer at The Council for Battered Women in Atlanta, GA. They welcomed me with open arms. What I did not know that was about to happen was probably the best thing that could have happened to me at that time of my life. The CBW told me that they loved when battered women wanted to volunteer because we knew that life with truth. We could empathize and have compassion for others like us. Then she said, “The only thing is, you will have to be counseled first.” ” Oh good grief”, I thought. “How embarrassing. I don’t want anyone to know how I failed at my marriage and all the things that lead up to it. I just want to help anyway I can.” I did not share those thoughts. Instead, I agreed to her plan and immediately started forward. I did not know how forward I was about to go. I was counseled until I understood that no one deserves to be beaten. ” NO ONE“!! I actually believed that very quickly and began to feel better about myself. Then the role playing began. I had to act out occurrences that were relevant to my marriage instead of pretending in my role playing. I was participating in my life role playing. How healing that was and how quickly I realized that God was working in my life to help me heal. With each role play, I became stronger and my self esteem started to increase. Finally, I was given a volunteer job.

I was put on the schedule to operate a domestic hot line. I went through training before actually manning the phone which I did from home all through the night. I learned to listen. It was important to hear everything possible in order to assess the situation at hand. Sometimes there was little or no time for listening. Women would call in imminent danger and I would need to find them an immediate safe house. Being able to help meant so to much to me, but after nearly a year it had taken its toll. I began to have nightmares with my ex-husband playing the main role. They were terrifying. After I receive a call from a middle aged lady that felt her husband had just left the house to get a gun to come back home to kill her and I did not have ONE bed available for her to spend the night, I knew I could not go on. She told me her husband was a judge and the police would not come to help her. I wanted to say “Come here, I will give you a place to stay.” but that was forbidden. Every day I looked for an article in the newspaper saying that a judge’s wife had been killed. I could no longer continue working the hot line. I did take groceries to the shelters on special occasions so families could share a meal. Soon, I put that life behind me. On two occasions after that I saw young ladies with that recognizable expression on their faces of pure fear. One was alone and the other with a small child. Both times I stopped and asked if they needed help. I explained that they did not have to share anything with me. I just wanted to help if I could. As bad as I felt for them, I remember thanking God that he was allowing me to offer help instead of being the one that needed help.

Have you been or are you being abused by your husband/boyfriend?

Currently, I am not involved in a hot line or a safe haven, but I can tell you a couple of things you can do to help if you feel threatened. Pack a bag with a change of clothes, underware, toothbrush and paste, hair brush, cell phone, car keys and money. Put it somewhere that you can grab it quickly and run. If you have contact numbers or address where you can receive help, memorize them. Know them as well as you know your own. Don’t leave them anywhere to be found. Pray for God’s divine intervention to help you to safety.

Dear God,

Oh Lord, you know these women’s situations. Please Lord, speak to them with love, authority and understanding. Lead them to safety. Heal their hearts and let them know they are not at fault. Please, please, let them avoid the battered wife syndrome, and instead let them find you and lean on your understanding and your ways for their lives. Let them have family and friends that will not try to judge them, but will uphold them. God, they are so vulnerable. Protect them, Lord. Allow them to be free from fear and to be secure in their own skin. Dear God, We will give you all the praise and glory and will let it be known to others how you came to our rescue. We love you Lord.

In Christ Name I Pray,

AMEN

God loves you and so do I. Please join me in praying for all issues that are attacking us physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. TO GOD BE THE GLORY.

Join me next week with more of I’m Just Getting Started (continued)

Thanks for reading and please feel free to share with your friends.

Sue Whaley-Huntsville, AL